What has I become?!
Tergerak hati hari ini nak membaca post2 yang lalu. Zaman awal2 ditarbiah. I would say I am amazed at how my reaction towards tarbiah at that moment. Semangat. Eager. What has I become today? Kenapa perasaan tu seolah-olah hilang? Adakah tarbiah sudah tidak memberi makna dalam hidup? Rindu aku 2-3 tahun yang lalu. Yang masih mentah tapi semangat nak bercerita kepada orang lain. Aku kini, terlalu banyak kefahaman sudah memenuhi ruang kepala kenapa amalnya masih lemau? With great understanding comes great responsibilities, yeah? Allahu. Lembutkan hatiku, kuatkan semangatku, besarkan jiwaku Ya Allah. Even if the feelings are missing, please keep me going till the end of time.
Had a moment of reflection after maghrib while tadabur. Indeed, Allah is the most merciful. Even though I made mistakes, I did so many sins, up till today He still blessed me with Islam, Tarbiah, family, akhawats and many more to be listed. When He wants to give, nobody could ever stop Him and so vice versa. Just imagined if Allah take all those blessings away, what could have happened to me right now? I could be aimless and lost. I could be astray. I could be hopeless. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal wa nikmah. I could never thank Him enough but one thing that I need to keep in mind, "if you want to keep these blessings, you need to 'beramal' or else they will be passed to somebody else!"
The reflection continues when I read Kak S blog post. Its about the condition of our ummah. SICK. Jahiliah progressed so fast that you already feel nothing. I admit that I feel tired reading all those ridiculous news about sumbang mahram, killing, shooting, imam gay, liberal, human-rights bla bla bla. Its too much and I couldnt brain it. YET, we still have time to think about ourselves. Thats disappoint me a lot. No, I am not disappointed with anyone but MYSELF. Those who's been with me knew that I always talked about this. But I feel so helpless to push myself to act accordingly. I keep falling down that I feel there's no way I can get up again. BUT the ummah need me more than ever.
How can I stay feeble and fragile?
Get up and be strong, dear self.
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