23?

She turned 23rd today! 

There's actually nothing much about this day for her except the fact +1 to her age. A year older a year wiser, they say. 

Yesterday, in WhatsApp group they were planning to have usrah today. Allah moved her heart to join them as well even though it was at 1am UK time, but it's okay as her sleep pattern has been a total messed lately. One of her girl just got a niece on 18/7 so she was super excited and she reflected the event with surah Maryam. It was a lovely sharing and one phrase that touches her the most was "if Allah can create a baby with a pure fitrah, we must believe in Him that He also can purify our fitrah". He has been wanting to say this to her like almost everyday now. He always knows best, indeed. He knew that she's on the verge of giving up on herself. But little did she know, He never gives up on her yet He always wanted her to come back to where she should be, or to where it all began. He tried to convince her that there's nothing wrong to start all over again. It's okay to take a small step at a time. But she's just too weak, she doesn't have the energy to push herself even though she knows deep down inside she wants to get over this drowning. She misses the person she used to be 3-4 years before. 

On her 23rd birthday, she realises that Allah the most caring and the most merciful has always been waiting for her and He never want anything for her but the best! How could she say no to Him? On her 23rd birthday, there's nothing that she wants other than the prayers from others for her to be strong and keep being strong. To never feel like giving up again. To always strive to win Allah's love and to keep trying no matter how hard and harsh the journey is. That is all that she wants. 

If you ever happen to read this little diary of her, please pray for her because she really needs it! 

Tell her that the shades of orange she was looking at is the colour of hope that the sun will set only to rise again! 

Have faith!

NDN, on her 23rd birthday.

Are you ready?

"Learn how to stand alone."

This seems so real now. Dia memang sedang tarbiah aku untuk pandai hidup sendiri. Untuk tidak bergantung pada sesiapa selain Dia. Dulu, kami ramai, Allah campakkan aku ke bumi UK bertiga sahaja. Itupun aku masih rasa selamat, just because I still have another 2 backbones. I am forever grateful for their presence as I know I am not that strong. 

This time around, Allah seolah nak ajar, kau akhirnya memang akan sendiri. Orang yang kau sayang takkan selamanya ada bersama. Even the person who is very dear to you may not liking your presence. You're not everyone cup of tea. You must know how to walk alone. You must how to be strong on your own. And.. at the end of the day, it will be just you and Allah. 

"Jangan berada atas jalan ini kerana orang dan jangan sekali-kali tinggalkan jalan ini kerana orang" -quoted

Very true indeed. People will come and go. Those who were with you might not be with you anymore. But its so illogical and irrational for you to leave this journey just because they are not here.   

It does feel a little bit lonely now. I never know that I could be this much affected. But I believe, His lesson is never too late or too soon!

Oh hati, let's embrace this tarbiyah and let's grow big and bigger.

To my dear akhawati fillah, jom tsabat sama2 dan kalau tiba-tiba tak nampak saya lagi disini, please cari saya sampai lubang cacing pun. Please...

For a hero's strength is measured by his heart

Of adulting and making decision

The scariest phase in life is yet to come. To face the reality that you're not a kid neither a teenager anymore. You're an adult who's going to manage your own electric and water bills, start thinking how do you wanna go to work, what kind of environment do you wanna work with, is the salary sufficient enough to support at least your basic needs but enable you to infaq as well. Most importantly, will you survive the transition year from being a student who just have to attend lectures and workshops to a full time worker who's going to listen and do whatever your employer ask you to do. Not mention the workloads yet. I don't know. Adulting is just so scary 😥. I mean, cmon am I ready for this?

Yesterday, I received an offer to work here in UK as a pre-reg pharmacy trainee. Tbh, few days before I talked to myself, "okaylah, I think its better to work in Malaysia". Thats when I think I have made my decision already because yelah since there's no offer coming in. But then, when I received the offer yesterday, I realised that I actually haven't made a rational decision. On what basis the decision was? I questioned myself. 

Now that I have got the offer, I really need to make a sound decision in which both my heart and mind are pleased. Most importantly, it must be aligned with Allah's pleasure as well. There are so many 'what if' playing in my mind right now. I'm afraid that I'm going to be left alone here. I'm afraid I can't stand the stressfulness. I'm afraid I cannot work well with my colleagues. I'm afraid I can't give my best to DnT anymore (when now I'm actually struggling to give the best out of me 😰😰😰). That's how overthinking I am. 

Ya Allah, I am so weak that I never know what the future holds for me. I am so weak that I really in need of your guidance in every step that I make. Guide me all the way to what is the best Ya Allah.

21/2/2018
Hamra', Notts

Of mujahadah and new year resolution

Malam tu penat sangat. Everyone was so sleepy. Penat jaulah Turki tak habis lagi agaknya. Kakak tu cakap "okay nak sambung ke atau tidur sekarang and bangun balik pukul 3 pagi?". Aku tgk semua orang. No response. Hati aku rasa nak teruskan je sebab aku takyakin dgn keadaan aku waktu tu boleh bangun pukul 3 pagi tapi aku taktahu orang lain mcm mana. Semua senyap.... Sudahnya akak tu kembali bersuara, "okay semua orang pergi pakai kasut lari kat luar bagi segar." Terbeliak mata aku, it was freezing cold even dalam rumah pun apatah lagi kat luar. Aku merengek tanda tak sanggup. Semua orang pun bangun membuatkan aku terpaksa keluar daripada duvet. Ergh sejuk. Dalam keterpaksaan semua orang pun keluar bersedia untuk berlari di luar. Lari ketam 😂. "Okay 1,2,3 pusing, 1,2,3 pusing..." and then terdengar anjing menyalak. Mula tu relax jelah but then suara tu makin kuat as though the dog is approaching us. Dalam kegelapan malam, dengan taknmpak besar mana anjing tu, kami pun lari lintang pukang balik ke rumah. Everyone burst into laughter. Segar terus. Thanks to the dog 🤣🤣 And the session was continued for another hour....

Lama tak rasa perasaan tu, perasaan bermujahadah. Selalu bila ngantuk maka tidurlah. Bila lapar makanlah, bila malas malaslah. Kurang mujahadah nak melawan kehendak-kehendak diri. Manja la kata mudahnya... Sedar diri ini makin manja, makin malas nak bermujahadah, makin lenient dengan diri sendiri. Sedar jugak perkara ni tak bagus pun untuk dakwah. Melambatkan saja jalan ini. Apakah ada masa bermalas-malasan sedangkan jahiliah kencang melaju? Duhai diri... 

I ended 2017 beautifully, I guess. Penat tapi puas rasanya. Puas dan tidak sabar untuk lebih bermujahadah, itu janjiku pada diri. Moga 2018 menjadi tahun yang menguatkan jiwa ini. Tahun yang mungkin scary tapi aku mengharapkan tahun ini menjadi tahun yang membina kekentalan jiwa ini. Moga mujahadah yang kian tipis dapat menebal. Moga semakin tunduk kepada tarbiah Allah direct or indirectly. Moga cinta kepada dakwah dan ummah bertambah besar. Moga semakin ihsan dalam setiap amal luar dan dalam. (Fuhh scary... kita cuba okay kita cuba!)  InshaAllah. Mohon tembak doa bebanyak untuk hamba marhaen ini. Moga lebih bermanfaat untuk ummat. Unleash the potential in you!

"Dan orang-orang yang berjihad (untuk mencari keridaan kami), Kami akan menunjukkan kepada mereka jalan-jalan kami. Dan sungguh Allah berserta orang-orang yang berbuat baik" (29:69)