UK to Malaysia

Fast forward 7 months later, I finally passed my training year. Alhamdulillah on 26th July, I completed my training and received a good news for the registration exam. I wouldn't take a single claim saying that it was my effort. It was definitely the prayers of the people around me especially my mom and dad and my akhwat! I would say it was the craziest year of my life (at least for now), working and studying wasnt a piece of cake! It was exhausting and draining. It was a year full of crying and taught me most about anger, emotion management. It taught me how to be an adult 101. I wont say that I came out of it become a know-it-all-adult. Im still figuring out my ways. But Alhamdulilah Thumma Alhamdulillah for all the blessings that He bestowed upon me. I never realised I actually have been blessed with a good surrounding and people. As compared to others, I have an understanding tutor who helped and listened to my struggle at work, a lovely and supportive colleagues who made it a lot easier for me to initially adapt and made it feels like home and also last but not least, the strongest backbones who never tired to listen to me (or they were actually tired but never really showed it :D); my housemates and my akhawat in Nottingham, Ireland and Malaysia (of course!) Allah made our path crossed for a reason, as for me, they are one of the greatest blessings for me while I am miles away from my loved ones. I didnt really enjoy living in the UK but they made it bearable and now I think Im gonna miss UK soon!!  (Im going home in couple of days for good!) 

UK has been great. I cherish the past 3 years full with ups and downs. I believed it was part of growing up and will continue be like that. UK has been a fantasy, it wasn't that difficult to survive here except from that you are far away from family. Every thing is a lot simpler and easier here. It was just about me and my work and my study. I dont have any other commitment yet. It will not be the same when Im back in Malaysia. I dont know what to really expect. As today is Eid Adha, I hope my heart is big enough to make whatever sacrifices I will have to make to survive in Malaysia. By survive, it does not specifically focusing on the financial aspect, its more than that. I hope I can survive the feeling of 'I need to be rich', 'I need to get that high end handbags', 'I want to travel the world with the money I earn' etc. The temptation is real, I have tasted a bit of it here which is one of the reason I want to go home as I know I cant survive the temptation any longer. I really pray that I will work not to chase whats in this world. I want to work solely to support my core business and the ummah. Now, I want to focus more on "tempa hati" to become as harsh and hard to resist the world's temptation but soft enough to touch people's heart and cry in front of Allah. 

Till then UK! Hope to see you again :) 

Eid Mubarak!

Bismillah on embarking a new journey dear self! 

Rants #taktahukeberapa

At times, I do question why did I choose to be part of healthcare professional in the first place. There is so much to learn and memorise. There is so much expectation from the public, expecting us to know everything once we qualified. I feel stupid everyday of not knowing loads of thing and of not understanding patient's concern due to language barrier (the Brits slang and the way they explain things always made me so confused!). I told Ukhti A about it. She said, I should be grateful because not everyone can carry this responsibility. Not everyone got the chance to help people. Once you graduated, you actually have the knowledge, it just time to put everything to practice. Its better to feel stupid rather than feeling you're so good because patients' problems changes everyday, so everyday is a new learning process. Most importantly, never ever study to fulfil the expectations of your tutor and others. Do it for Allah. Do it for the ummah. Heww, betulla tu. Tajdid niat bebanyak Nadhirah! 

Moga Allah berkati :')

Get back to basic. To why I started. Dan sampai bila perlu terus berjuang. Misi mencari something that's been missing. Doakan. 

For you a thousand times over

Over a month now since I started work or basically my training as a pharmacist. It's tiring and I am struggling to balance the work life and being a good abid. Its not that Im separating them both like they are not related. Working is ibadah too but I feel like I am getting away from Allah. I hate it. I travel to work every morning struggling to get my eyes wide open when I recited the mathurat. I even brought some books to keep me occupied throughout the journey but they were left unopened most of the times. When I finished work, I already too drained and all I can think is sleep and the fact that I need to climb up the hill just to get home doesn't make me feel any good at the end of the day. Susahnyeee huhuhu. I am not complaining, this is the life that I chose with Allah wills. I just feel sad that I know I have lots to read be it buku fikrah and the BNF (British National Formularies). I have lots to think and brainstorm but with this little2 time that I have I'm stuck. Which to prioritise. 

You know at the end of the day, all we want is Allah's pleasure. I don't want to be limited by my work, I want it to ease my DnT journey. Hebatnya para sahabat malah ada juga tokoh2 zaman sekarang yang boleh manage hal kerja dan dakwah tanpa perlu mengurangkan mana mana part. BALANCED. It requires a looooot of mujahadah dan sacrifices untuk capai tahap tu. Kalau senang je what life even means? Betul tak. Life is always a test. Masa student pun ada halangan dia, masa kerja pun. Ni baru single life. Belum lagi kahwin, anak etc (oh I can't even imagine myself able to juggle all that, at least not for now). Every phase in life is always a challenge. Every changes sometimes do tear us apart. As the famous quote says, falls down seven, stand up eight. If the intention is right, for Allah a thousand times over!!! Kutip semangat Abdullah b Huzafah yang jika beliau memiliki nyawa sebanyak bulu dibadan nescaya semuanya kan digunakan untuk jalan dakwah ini, maka gunalah segala daya yang ada utk menyumbang kepada jalan ini. Allah has never ever need you. Youre the one who is in absolute in need of Him! If you want something go for it. You don't wait till the right and perfect time comes. Betul tak?! Get up girl.

23?

She turned 23rd today! 

There's actually nothing much about this day for her except the fact +1 to her age. A year older a year wiser, they say. 

Yesterday, in WhatsApp group they were planning to have usrah today. Allah moved her heart to join them as well even though it was at 1am UK time, but it's okay as her sleep pattern has been a total messed lately. One of her girl just got a niece on 18/7 so she was super excited and she reflected the event with surah Maryam. It was a lovely sharing and one phrase that touches her the most was "if Allah can create a baby with a pure fitrah, we must believe in Him that He also can purify our fitrah". He has been wanting to say this to her like almost everyday now. He always knows best, indeed. He knew that she's on the verge of giving up on herself. But little did she know, He never gives up on her yet He always wanted her to come back to where she should be, or to where it all began. He tried to convince her that there's nothing wrong to start all over again. It's okay to take a small step at a time. But she's just too weak, she doesn't have the energy to push herself even though she knows deep down inside she wants to get over this drowning. She misses the person she used to be 3-4 years before. 

On her 23rd birthday, she realises that Allah the most caring and the most merciful has always been waiting for her and He never want anything for her but the best! How could she say no to Him? On her 23rd birthday, there's nothing that she wants other than the prayers from others for her to be strong and keep being strong. To never feel like giving up again. To always strive to win Allah's love and to keep trying no matter how hard and harsh the journey is. That is all that she wants. 

If you ever happen to read this little diary of her, please pray for her because she really needs it! 

Tell her that the shades of orange she was looking at is the colour of hope that the sun will set only to rise again! 

Have faith!

NDN, on her 23rd birthday.