For you a thousand times over

Over a month now since I started work or basically my training as a pharmacist. It's tiring and I am struggling to balance the work life and being a good abid. Its not that Im separating them both like they are not related. Working is ibadah too but I feel like I am getting away from Allah. I hate it. I travel to work every morning struggling to get my eyes wide open when I recited the mathurat. I even brought some books to keep me occupied throughout the journey but they were left unopened most of the times. When I finished work, I already too drained and all I can think is sleep and the fact that I need to climb up the hill just to get home doesn't make me feel any good at the end of the day. Susahnyeee huhuhu. I am not complaining, this is the life that I chose with Allah wills. I just feel sad that I know I have lots to read be it buku fikrah and the BNF (British National Formularies). I have lots to think and brainstorm but with this little2 time that I have I'm stuck. Which to prioritise. 

You know at the end of the day, all we want is Allah's pleasure. I don't want to be limited by my work, I want it to ease my DnT journey. Hebatnya para sahabat malah ada juga tokoh2 zaman sekarang yang boleh manage hal kerja dan dakwah tanpa perlu mengurangkan mana mana part. BALANCED. It requires a looooot of mujahadah dan sacrifices untuk capai tahap tu. Kalau senang je what life even means? Betul tak. Life is always a test. Masa student pun ada halangan dia, masa kerja pun. Ni baru single life. Belum lagi kahwin, anak etc (oh I can't even imagine myself able to juggle all that, at least not for now). Every phase in life is always a challenge. Every changes sometimes do tear us apart. As the famous quote says, falls down seven, stand up eight. If the intention is right, for Allah a thousand times over!!! Kutip semangat Abdullah b Huzafah yang jika beliau memiliki nyawa sebanyak bulu dibadan nescaya semuanya kan digunakan untuk jalan dakwah ini, maka gunalah segala daya yang ada utk menyumbang kepada jalan ini. Allah has never ever need you. Youre the one who is in absolute in need of Him! If you want something go for it. You don't wait till the right and perfect time comes. Betul tak?! Get up girl.

23?

She turned 23rd today! 

There's actually nothing much about this day for her except the fact +1 to her age. A year older a year wiser, they say. 

Yesterday, in WhatsApp group they were planning to have usrah today. Allah moved her heart to join them as well even though it was at 1am UK time, but it's okay as her sleep pattern has been a total messed lately. One of her girl just got a niece on 18/7 so she was super excited and she reflected the event with surah Maryam. It was a lovely sharing and one phrase that touches her the most was "if Allah can create a baby with a pure fitrah, we must believe in Him that He also can purify our fitrah". He has been wanting to say this to her like almost everyday now. He always knows best, indeed. He knew that she's on the verge of giving up on herself. But little did she know, He never gives up on her yet He always wanted her to come back to where she should be, or to where it all began. He tried to convince her that there's nothing wrong to start all over again. It's okay to take a small step at a time. But she's just too weak, she doesn't have the energy to push herself even though she knows deep down inside she wants to get over this drowning. She misses the person she used to be 3-4 years before. 

On her 23rd birthday, she realises that Allah the most caring and the most merciful has always been waiting for her and He never want anything for her but the best! How could she say no to Him? On her 23rd birthday, there's nothing that she wants other than the prayers from others for her to be strong and keep being strong. To never feel like giving up again. To always strive to win Allah's love and to keep trying no matter how hard and harsh the journey is. That is all that she wants. 

If you ever happen to read this little diary of her, please pray for her because she really needs it! 

Tell her that the shades of orange she was looking at is the colour of hope that the sun will set only to rise again! 

Have faith!

NDN, on her 23rd birthday.

Are you ready?

"Learn how to stand alone."

This seems so real now. Dia memang sedang tarbiah aku untuk pandai hidup sendiri. Untuk tidak bergantung pada sesiapa selain Dia. Dulu, kami ramai, Allah campakkan aku ke bumi UK bertiga sahaja. Itupun aku masih rasa selamat, just because I still have another 2 backbones. I am forever grateful for their presence as I know I am not that strong. 

This time around, Allah seolah nak ajar, kau akhirnya memang akan sendiri. Orang yang kau sayang takkan selamanya ada bersama. Even the person who is very dear to you may not liking your presence. You're not everyone cup of tea. You must know how to walk alone. You must how to be strong on your own. And.. at the end of the day, it will be just you and Allah. 

"Jangan berada atas jalan ini kerana orang dan jangan sekali-kali tinggalkan jalan ini kerana orang" -quoted

Very true indeed. People will come and go. Those who were with you might not be with you anymore. But its so illogical and irrational for you to leave this journey just because they are not here.   

It does feel a little bit lonely now. I never know that I could be this much affected. But I believe, His lesson is never too late or too soon!

Oh hati, let's embrace this tarbiyah and let's grow big and bigger.

To my dear akhawati fillah, jom tsabat sama2 dan kalau tiba-tiba tak nampak saya lagi disini, please cari saya sampai lubang cacing pun. Please...

For a hero's strength is measured by his heart

Of adulting and making decision

The scariest phase in life is yet to come. To face the reality that you're not a kid neither a teenager anymore. You're an adult who's going to manage your own electric and water bills, start thinking how do you wanna go to work, what kind of environment do you wanna work with, is the salary sufficient enough to support at least your basic needs but enable you to infaq as well. Most importantly, will you survive the transition year from being a student who just have to attend lectures and workshops to a full time worker who's going to listen and do whatever your employer ask you to do. Not mention the workloads yet. I don't know. Adulting is just so scary 😥. I mean, cmon am I ready for this?

Yesterday, I received an offer to work here in UK as a pre-reg pharmacy trainee. Tbh, few days before I talked to myself, "okaylah, I think its better to work in Malaysia". Thats when I think I have made my decision already because yelah since there's no offer coming in. But then, when I received the offer yesterday, I realised that I actually haven't made a rational decision. On what basis the decision was? I questioned myself. 

Now that I have got the offer, I really need to make a sound decision in which both my heart and mind are pleased. Most importantly, it must be aligned with Allah's pleasure as well. There are so many 'what if' playing in my mind right now. I'm afraid that I'm going to be left alone here. I'm afraid I can't stand the stressfulness. I'm afraid I cannot work well with my colleagues. I'm afraid I can't give my best to DnT anymore (when now I'm actually struggling to give the best out of me 😰😰😰). That's how overthinking I am. 

Ya Allah, I am so weak that I never know what the future holds for me. I am so weak that I really in need of your guidance in every step that I make. Guide me all the way to what is the best Ya Allah.

21/2/2018
Hamra', Notts