For a hero's strength is measured by his heart

Of adulting and making decision

The scariest phase in life is yet to come. To face the reality that you're not a kid neither a teenager anymore. You're an adult who's going to manage your own electric and water bills, start thinking how do you wanna go to work, what kind of environment do you wanna work with, is the salary sufficient enough to support at least your basic needs but enable you to infaq as well. Most importantly, will you survive the transition year from being a student who just have to attend lectures and workshops to a full time worker who's going to listen and do whatever your employer ask you to do. Not mention the workloads yet. I don't know. Adulting is just so scary 😥. I mean, cmon am I ready for this?

Yesterday, I received an offer to work here in UK as a pre-reg pharmacy trainee. Tbh, few days before I talked to myself, "okaylah, I think its better to work in Malaysia". Thats when I think I have made my decision already because yelah since there's no offer coming in. But then, when I received the offer yesterday, I realised that I actually haven't made a rational decision. On what basis the decision was? I questioned myself. 

Now that I have got the offer, I really need to make a sound decision in which both my heart and mind are pleased. Most importantly, it must be aligned with Allah's pleasure as well. There are so many 'what if' playing in my mind right now. I'm afraid that I'm going to be left alone here. I'm afraid I can't stand the stressfulness. I'm afraid I cannot work well with my colleagues. I'm afraid I can't give my best to DnT anymore (when now I'm actually struggling to give the best out of me 😰😰😰). That's how overthinking I am. 

Ya Allah, I am so weak that I never know what the future holds for me. I am so weak that I really in need of your guidance in every step that I make. Guide me all the way to what is the best Ya Allah.

21/2/2018
Hamra', Notts

Of mujahadah and new year resolution

Malam tu penat sangat. Everyone was so sleepy. Penat jaulah Turki tak habis lagi agaknya. Kakak tu cakap "okay nak sambung ke atau tidur sekarang and bangun balik pukul 3 pagi?". Aku tgk semua orang. No response. Hati aku rasa nak teruskan je sebab aku takyakin dgn keadaan aku waktu tu boleh bangun pukul 3 pagi tapi aku taktahu orang lain mcm mana. Semua senyap.... Sudahnya akak tu kembali bersuara, "okay semua orang pergi pakai kasut lari kat luar bagi segar." Terbeliak mata aku, it was freezing cold even dalam rumah pun apatah lagi kat luar. Aku merengek tanda tak sanggup. Semua orang pun bangun membuatkan aku terpaksa keluar daripada duvet. Ergh sejuk. Dalam keterpaksaan semua orang pun keluar bersedia untuk berlari di luar. Lari ketam 😂. "Okay 1,2,3 pusing, 1,2,3 pusing..." and then terdengar anjing menyalak. Mula tu relax jelah but then suara tu makin kuat as though the dog is approaching us. Dalam kegelapan malam, dengan taknmpak besar mana anjing tu, kami pun lari lintang pukang balik ke rumah. Everyone burst into laughter. Segar terus. Thanks to the dog 🤣🤣 And the session was continued for another hour....

Lama tak rasa perasaan tu, perasaan bermujahadah. Selalu bila ngantuk maka tidurlah. Bila lapar makanlah, bila malas malaslah. Kurang mujahadah nak melawan kehendak-kehendak diri. Manja la kata mudahnya... Sedar diri ini makin manja, makin malas nak bermujahadah, makin lenient dengan diri sendiri. Sedar jugak perkara ni tak bagus pun untuk dakwah. Melambatkan saja jalan ini. Apakah ada masa bermalas-malasan sedangkan jahiliah kencang melaju? Duhai diri... 

I ended 2017 beautifully, I guess. Penat tapi puas rasanya. Puas dan tidak sabar untuk lebih bermujahadah, itu janjiku pada diri. Moga 2018 menjadi tahun yang menguatkan jiwa ini. Tahun yang mungkin scary tapi aku mengharapkan tahun ini menjadi tahun yang membina kekentalan jiwa ini. Moga mujahadah yang kian tipis dapat menebal. Moga semakin tunduk kepada tarbiah Allah direct or indirectly. Moga cinta kepada dakwah dan ummah bertambah besar. Moga semakin ihsan dalam setiap amal luar dan dalam. (Fuhh scary... kita cuba okay kita cuba!)  InshaAllah. Mohon tembak doa bebanyak untuk hamba marhaen ini. Moga lebih bermanfaat untuk ummat. Unleash the potential in you!

"Dan orang-orang yang berjihad (untuk mencari keridaan kami), Kami akan menunjukkan kepada mereka jalan-jalan kami. Dan sungguh Allah berserta orang-orang yang berbuat baik" (29:69)

Dear Fateh,

I may not fully understand of what you going through. I may not fully appreciate your worries and concerns. I may not fully give the support that you need. But all I can say is that I am amazed with your willingness and mujahadah to fight all the inner thoughts and self-doubt. 

I am hoping that one day, when you reminiscing this moment, you'll be able to say 'I am glad that I did it'

I am hoping that one day, when you scrolling through the pictures, you'll realise how much you've grown up..strong and stronger. 

When you had to go to Birmingham, Manchester or Glasgow, I felt so bad if I couldn't be there for you just to pat your shoulder and say its okay, you've done a great job. 

When I saw you fall asleep because you're too tired after spent the whole day there, I felt so touched. Only if the ummah knew.... 

When you ask 'kenapalah kita nak susah2 sgt eh', I know its a rhetoric question. You knew the answer, thats why you did it anyway even though you feel so drained out fighting with your own feelings. 

You have no idea how amazed I am listening to your stories about what's happening when you meet your adiks or about the journey itself.  

Dear Fateh, 

Out of many, He chose you to be here. Hence, be like the real Fateh. 

Either acceptance or rejection, learn to accept it with an open heart. Allah purposely arrange it that way.

22:78

My Fateh will grow up happy and stronger. Yosh \o/

Dunkirk 3/12/2017 

Blessings in disguise

Fourth year opss its FINAL year! Time flies so fast that sometimes I asked myself 'betulke aku kat UK, betulke aku dah nak habis Mpharm etc etc'. Back then, 2018 is so far away now its about a month left before entering 2018. Things have been really hectic at the moment. I cried. I complained. I'm tired. BUT little did I know, its a blessing in disguise. 

Terlalu besar tarbiah yang Allah nak ajar di tahun akhir ini. Mungkin persediaan kepada benda yang lagi besar. InshaAllah. Mulanya sukar untuk memahami. Sukar untuk menerima. My heart was rebelled. Rasa nak lari dari semua kekusutan dan keserabutan ini for the time being. Rasa I need my "me time". Ironi sangat sedangkan mengaku diri daie. 

Makin besar, tuntutan dakwah tidak makin mudah. Jika dulu kita hanya dituntut tinggalkan jahiliah kini semua yang kita rasa hak kita juga dituntut ; masa, harta, jiwa semuanya untuk umat.  Jika dulu seronok berada dalam jalan yang mungkin kerana ditampal atas sebab2 lain, kini Allah membersihkan semua sebab2 yang ada hingga yang tinggal hanya Allah. Sakit. Penat. Tapi as I said earlier, its a blessing in disguise. Susahkan? Susah untuk nampak tarbiah yang Allah nak ajar. 

"Dakwah itu tugas mulia" 

"Kita sedang menelusuri jalan para Rasul dan sahabat"

"Dakwah itu penghormatan tertinggi yang Allah beri kepada manusia"

Selalu sangat dengar kata2 macam ni. But deep down inside, do we really feel the same? To be honest, sometimes it feels like words that we merely said. 

Apakah manusia itu mengira bahwa mereka dibiarkan (saja) mengatakan: “Kami telah beriman”, sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi? (29:2 )

Allah akan terus menguji dan membersihkan apa yang ada disudut hati paling dalam, hingga apa yang kita katakan selari dengan apa yang kita rasa dan amalkan. That's how I feel right now. Pembersihan itu yang Allah sedang laksanakan. It feels really hurt but the fact that you struggle because of Him, itulah cinta, kan? Bertapa Allah inginkan kita kembali kepada Dia sebersih-bersihnya, itulah nikmatnya. 

Ya Allah ilhamkan aku untuk tetap mensyukuri nikmatmu, Ya Allah ilhamkan aku untuk beramal dengan kefahamanku. I may fall down again and again, but please never give up on me Ya Allah. 

Dunkirk, Notts 15/11/2017