Reflection #1

"Akak nama akak macam kawan baik saya!"
"Oh ye, mana dia? Ada tak kat sini. Kata kawan baik"
".........." terkedu. 

Baru berkenalan dengan akak tu. Yang sempat tahu hanya nama, asal dan cite tarbiah dia sikit tapi mmg straightforward la akak ni. Dari ceritanya bagaimana dia mendapat tarbiah nampak dia sangat hargai sentuhan murabbi pertama yang menyelamatkan dia dari ceruk jahiliah. Nampak dia sangat appreciate tarbiah yang dia dapat. Aku kagum. Bila dia tanya soalan tu aku memang terkelu, terkejut dan soalan tu buat aku berfikir. 

Pahit yang perlu aku telan, aku masih lagi pandang dakwah dan tarbiah ini asing/sekular. Hanya bila aku mentajmik, membawa liqa aku sudah berdakwah. Hanya kerana aku attend usrah, nadwah every week aku dah ditarbiah. Lupa dekat orang2 terdekat malah tersayang disekeliling aku. Apa effort aku nak bawa mereka kepada Allah? Padahal, bila kata sayang apa makna sayang? Sayang sekadar bersuka2 hangout catching up and thats it? Sayang itu harusnya sampai ke syurga!

Aku tak cerita sangat apa yang aku buat let alone cerita content apa2 yang aku dapat. Aku fikir cukup mereka nampak aku sedikit berubah. Dengan harapan mereka tertarik dan nak bertanya. Ianya mungkin tapi sikit percentage nya orang yang nak bertanya. Aku tak cerita jugak sebab aku takut dengan pandangan mereka terhadap tarbiah bila tgk aku ni malas etc. They are the ones who know my bad side. Aku takut jadi fitnah. Dan mungkin juga aku takut aku perlu jd baik/perfect sentiasa. Jauh di sudut paling dalam sebenarnya, aku masih tak sibghah dgn tarbiah. Aku masih tak kaffah wholeheartedly. Masih ada sudut2 jahiliah/ sisi diri yang tak selari dengan Islam yang aku taknak lepaskan. Itu sebenarnya. Padahal jika aku bercerita, mungkin mereka akan jadi support sistem aku dikala futur dirumah. Mungkin mereka yang akan menjadi kekuatan untuk aku terus push diri kepada yang lebih baik. Kepada manusia yang syumul Islamnya; sbg seorang anak, seorang sahabat, colleague or even a stranger.

Dakwah dan Tarbiah itu SELURUH kehidupan. Tiada ruang untuk berhenti.
Teringat kata sorang akak tu, "If you want to take a break, take it. But do it within vicinity (masih dalam ruang lingkup Islam)."

Akak, terima kasih bertanyakan soalan itu. Its still haunting me till today in a good way.  

Maaf

Malam ni ada sesi pukul 930pm. Jam baru around 8pm tapi mata dah mula melayu, so aku decide to have a nap supaya segar untuk sesi. Tiba-tiba Anaz datang minta ajar math sebab aku dah janji bagi dia main Ipad kalau buat latihan math. Semua soalan sudah dibuat, tinggal satu sahaja yang dia konfius dan nak aku ajar. Tapi aku mengantuk, those who know me knew that Im not very good when people disturbed my sleep, too bad. Jadi takde mood tapi melihatkan Anaz gigih nak belajar tak sampai hati nak hancurkan hatinya. Ajar la tapi macam singa lol. Aku cuba terangkan dan bantu dia untuk berfikir, aku tak suka spoonfeed dia. Setelah beberapa kali menerangkan dan dia masih tak faham-faham aku jadi marah. Suara aku makin tinggi, riak muka dia pun berubah, takut. Bless him. (Tapi just so you know boy, I'm not gonna spoonfeed you, thats not how you will survive. Know that I am very worry to think how you gonna grow up). Akhirnya, aku ugut dia if aku bagi jawapan dia tak boleh main Ipad but then suddenly teringat post seorang ukhti ni tentang parenting and that, what Im about to do is not a very good parenting method (memungkiri janji is a big no no okay parents). So I said to him, you can still play but 15 mins only (untuk usaha dia menyelesaikan soalan2 yang lain). Tapi dia masih taknak give up, nak terus fikir. Sesi aku dah nak mula so I have to get him out quickly haha. So aku pun tunjukkanlah jalan kerja kepada dia and done! 

Serba salah menyelubungi diri sebab memarahi dia, I know kids can be very sensitive and I dont want to leave any scar on him. Sebelum sesi mula, aku minta maaf kepada dia. Susah, serious sangat susah nak minta maaf tu. Because, we are adult, we know more thats why I scolded you. I am worry about you. I want you to learn because Im not gonna be with you forever, tiber. But paused! Budak2, mereka egocentric, susah nak nampak apa yang kita nak dia nampak.  Jadi kita, orang yang acah dewasa ni tundukkanlah ego. Minta maaf bila buat salah. Minta maaf bila terkasar. Kids they have feelings and a very sensitive one. They are pure and innocent. Kita selalu ajar mereka untuk minta maaf bila buat salah, tapi kenapa kita tak boleh/ susah tunjukkan contoh yang sama. Monkey see, monkey do remember? Aku minta maaf dan dia dengan mudahnya okay dan senyum. Seriouslahhhhhh. Seolah-olah tadi tu macam takde apa, padahal muka dia cuak dah tadi. Bebudak, too pure, tiada dendam. Kitalah yang bertanggungjawab mencorakkan masa depan mereka nak jadi manusia macam mana. 

Serious, aku bab maaf memaafkan memang failed. Banyak kali diuji perkara yang sama. Sama ada untuk memohon maaf atas kesalahan diri/ memaafkan kesalahan orang lain. Ego tinggi melangit tapi selalunya aku sendiri yang tertanya diri sendiri kenapa nak marah sangat or mati ke kalau meminta maaf. Dan di setiap ujian itu aku akan menyesal sendiri bila hal yang sepatutnya boleh settle dengan cepat by just saying sorry jadi hal besar yang sampai berminggu-minggu. Akulah tu. Struggle yang paling-paling aku nak buang dalam diri. Belajar dari si budak kecik tak tahu banyak ni. Mudah memaafkan. Pure. Yang dewasa yang acah tahu banyak sangat benda tu, jangan ego sangat. Sakit untuk menundukkan ego, tapi puas. Kau takkan rasa sempit dada, serabut. Easier said than done, tapi Allah pandang setiap usaha. Best kan? :) 

Sorry Anaz :)

Not a goodbye, its a see you again!

I didnt realise how much Ive attached to this country until now that Im leaving. It has been a blessed adventure being able to witness the world from another horizon. I didnt realise the years Ive been here I actually has grown some love towards this place. It amazes me how we human no matter how the environment and surrounding changes we will somehow learn to adapt and embrace the changes like home. I always uttered I dont like this place. But little did I know I started to love being here. As malay proverb says tempat jatuh lagikan dikenang inikan pula tempat yang mengajar 1001 tentang kehidupan. UK you have been great. You were part of my life and will always be part of my life. Even its just 3 years with you, I definitely will pass down my stories to my kids. Lols over emotional girl right here. It is human isnt, we always appreciate sth when its gone. I hope Ill come back maybe with my loved ones and really looking forward to bring them down to my memory lanes 
Till then! 

Love, 
Diyana
Heathrow 17.08.19


Langit UK 🇬🇧 

UK to Malaysia

Fast forward 7 months later, I finally passed my training year. Alhamdulillah on 26th July, I completed my training and received a good news for the registration exam. I wouldn't take a single claim saying that it was my effort. It was definitely the prayers of the people around me especially my mom and dad and my akhwat! I would say it was the craziest year of my life (at least for now), working and studying wasnt a piece of cake! It was exhausting and draining. It was a year full of crying and taught me most about anger, emotion management. It taught me how to be an adult 101. I wont say that I came out of it become a know-it-all-adult. Im still figuring out my ways. But Alhamdulilah Thumma Alhamdulillah for all the blessings that He bestowed upon me. I never realised I actually have been blessed with a good surrounding and people. As compared to others, I have an understanding tutor who helped and listened to my struggle at work, a lovely and supportive colleagues who made it a lot easier for me to initially adapt and made it feels like home and also last but not least, the strongest backbones who never tired to listen to me (or they were actually tired but never really showed it :D); my housemates and my akhawat in Nottingham, Ireland and Malaysia (of course!) Allah made our path crossed for a reason, as for me, they are one of the greatest blessings for me while I am miles away from my loved ones. I didnt really enjoy living in the UK but they made it bearable and now I think Im gonna miss UK soon!!  (Im going home in couple of days for good!) 

UK has been great. I cherish the past 3 years full with ups and downs. I believed it was part of growing up and will continue be like that. UK has been a fantasy, it wasn't that difficult to survive here except from that you are far away from family. Every thing is a lot simpler and easier here. It was just about me and my work and my study. I dont have any other commitment yet. It will not be the same when Im back in Malaysia. I dont know what to really expect. As today is Eid Adha, I hope my heart is big enough to make whatever sacrifices I will have to make to survive in Malaysia. By survive, it does not specifically focusing on the financial aspect, its more than that. I hope I can survive the feeling of 'I need to be rich', 'I need to get that high end handbags', 'I want to travel the world with the money I earn' etc. The temptation is real, I have tasted a bit of it here which is one of the reason I want to go home as I know I cant survive the temptation any longer. I really pray that I will work not to chase whats in this world. I want to work solely to support my core business and the ummah. Now, I want to focus more on "tempa hati" to become as harsh and hard to resist the world's temptation but soft enough to touch people's heart and cry in front of Allah. 

Till then UK! Hope to see you again :) 



Eid Mubarak!

Bismillah on embarking a new journey dear self! 


Rants #taktahukeberapa

At times, I do question why did I choose to be part of healthcare professional in the first place. There is so much to learn and memorise. There is so much expectation from the public, expecting us to know everything once we qualified. I feel stupid everyday of not knowing loads of thing and of not understanding patient's concern due to language barrier (the Brits slang and the way they explain things always made me so confused!). I told Ukhti A about it. She said, I should be grateful because not everyone can carry this responsibility. Not everyone got the chance to help people. Once you graduated, you actually have the knowledge, it just time to put everything to practice. Its better to feel stupid rather than feeling you're so good because patients' problems changes everyday, so everyday is a new learning process. Most importantly, never ever study to fulfil the expectations of your tutor and others. Do it for Allah. Do it for the ummah. Heww, betulla tu. Tajdid niat bebanyak Nadhirah! 


Moga Allah berkati :')