A throwback

What has I become?!

Tergerak hati hari ini nak membaca post2 yang lalu. Zaman awal2 ditarbiah. I would say I am amazed at how my reaction towards tarbiah at that moment. Semangat. Eager. What has I become today? Kenapa perasaan tu seolah-olah hilang? Adakah tarbiah sudah tidak memberi makna dalam hidup? Rindu aku 2-3 tahun yang lalu. Yang masih mentah tapi semangat nak bercerita kepada orang lain. Aku kini, terlalu banyak kefahaman sudah memenuhi ruang kepala kenapa amalnya masih lemau? With great understanding comes great responsibilities, yeah? Allahu. Lembutkan hatiku, kuatkan semangatku, besarkan jiwaku Ya Allah. Even if the feelings are missing, please keep me going till the end of time. 

Had a moment of reflection after maghrib while tadabur. Indeed, Allah is the most merciful. Even though I made mistakes, I did so many sins, up till today He still blessed me with Islam, Tarbiah, family, akhawats and many more to be listed.  When He wants to give, nobody could ever stop Him and so vice versa. Just imagined if Allah take all those blessings away, what could have happened to me right now? I could be aimless and lost. I could be astray. I could be hopeless. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal wa nikmah. I could never thank Him enough but one thing that I need to keep in mind, "if you want to keep these blessings, you need to 'beramal' or else they will be passed to somebody else!"

The reflection continues when I read Kak S blog post. Its about the condition of our ummah. SICK. Jahiliah progressed so fast that you already feel nothing. I admit that I feel tired reading all those ridiculous news about sumbang mahram, killing, shooting, imam gay, liberal, human-rights bla bla bla. Its too much and I couldnt brain it. YET, we still have time to think about ourselves. Thats disappoint me a lot. No, I am not disappointed with anyone but MYSELF. Those who's been with me knew that I always talked about this. But I feel so helpless to push myself to act accordingly. I keep falling down that I feel there's no way I can get up again. BUT the ummah need me more than ever. 

How can I stay feeble and fragile? 

Get up and be strong, dear self.

Of sick and sins

Post jaulah Sabah, terus demam for about a week. Post demam, wisdom tooth pula nak tumbuh makanya gusi bengkak lead to infection and the rest is history. I rarely had fever and I usually didnt take medicine bcs as a pharmacy student, you wouldnt want to eat ubat that much. But this time, I surrender. I had to take pcm and 3 weeks course of abx due to my tonsillitis and pericoronitis (such a term!). 

I had fever when we actually had program, so that time its either to fight your fever or you just want to layan it. Masa tu reflect gila bila tgk akhawats yang sakit teruk2 but still able to push themselves utk buat yang terbaik untuk dakwah. Pergh dahsyat. Baru demam sikit dah fikir ohh I need rest bcs at first I think the fever was due to back to back program (tkdelah back to back sgt, it just that my body not used to it bcs its beeeeeeen awhile, wow what uk made me, kk tu cerita lain =='). Lol lembiknya kau ni. 

Sepanjang demam tu ramainya org yang mengingatkan ttg penghapusan dosa which is satu nikmat yang Allah nak bagi. Yeah, we all know about it. Sakit tu kan kafarah dosa. Cumanya sejauh mana kita beriman dgn hadis tu. As for me, for the first few days of demam I still can tolerate it. I still can fight it. But when it continues for about a week rasa cm aihh penat laa demam ni. I want to eat delicious food! I dont want bubur anymore, I dont want ubat, I dont want to telan blood (due to gum bleeding), bla bla bla complaining (humans :/). 

This conversation hit me a bit. Sejauh mana diri ini nak merebut peluang yang Allah nak bagi. Hey, Allah nak gugurkan dosa dosa kau kot. Sepatutnya this is the best time for you to perbaiki mana mana part yang masih lompong. Sepatutnya happy Allah masih pandang kita yang hina ni, nak tolong kurangkan dosa2 yang ada. Baiknya Allah nak bagi peluang ni kat aku. Yet me is complaining of how laparnya xdpt merasa makan sedap2. Lol Nadhirah. 

Now, alhamdulillah, Im getting better. Trying to get back on track. Doakan moga terus melaju! InshaAllah. 

#justfeelthatineedtowritethis

#forfuturereference

Home sweet home  15/8/2017